Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Rollercoaster of Emotions!

Well, the holidays were great - in fact, one of the best christmases ever in 'The Crazy Camp' as I affectionately call it -but it had to end.

January is never a brilliant month anyway if i'm honest. It marks the anniversary of GG's removal from her first mother, and her behavior always takes a turn for the worse therefore. Not good memories for her. Then the return to school is always disruptive because of the change in the holiday routine I set up. And of course I'm depressed because christmas is over (yes, it's stressful and hyper, but it's always been my favourite holiday, and I love turning the living room into a mini Santa's Grotto!)

BUT - yesterday was dreadful even by our standards! It was the first day back at school for both GG and LM. So I began my 'school routine' again. Up at 6, make myself my much needed moring tea. Usually I then get half an hours kids free peace before waking them up, but today LM decided to bound down early. He ran straight into me, and my scalding hot tea goes all over me (luckily didn't hit him, he's good at dodging). He did apologise but then he ran back upstairs and started running around making really loud airplane noises and woke up GG. Big Mistake. "SHUT UP" yells the newly wakened 'Grumpus Maximus'. So I did 'Operation Distraction' to great effect. Managed to get LM to change and calm Grumpus down again.

From there, getting them to school was pretty normal -they were both excited about going back, GG wants to see her two friends and LM loves school full stop (although it was different story a year ago!) It was such a moment stepping into an empty, child free house! I spent the morning cleaning and tidying, then made the dinner for the evening (Spaghetti). Come afternoon I relaxed, phoned up my best friend 'Z', put my favourite music on and then went for a short walk. BLISS! All too soon, it was time for the school run. Luckily, they are both close to each other, so I picked up L, who chatted nineteen to the dozen about everything he did and said that day. When I picked up GG, she wasn't impressed with LM's chatting and pouted and huffed the way back.

Got homework and dinner out of the way fine, and left LM with his train set, so I could supervise GG on facebook. She got chatting to 'Laddie',the nice boy from the road over she has got a crush on. She had spent the day before doodling their names together and doing those little 'compatibility tests'. It is getting to the 'asking out' stage now. But GG does not relate normally to her peers, especially not boys, due to her past. She knows she likes him, but can't quite tell the difference between 'like' and 'love', nor can she tell that just because she feels one way means he reciprocates those feelings. She insisted that they are 'in love' Then she talked about going out with him. Normally first date is cinema, restaurant, ice rink or something like that, right? She talked about going all the way with him, then about putting a video online. She just has no idea of boundaries and she still thinks that sex=affection, that that is the only way to show someone you love them :(

I should have handled it better, so it was a lot my fault. I corrected her about her idea of first date, etc etc, but I was too confrontational - also she was too hyped up, and I should have known that talking to her then would do no good. But I did anyway, and she kicked off. And boy, did she kick off! Stamped, Screamed incoherently, sobbed and beat her fists against her door. Which made LM start crying and going hyper again, running around wailing at GG to stop. I desperatly phoned Z again, and begged her to take LM out to the park or somewhere else, because GG was shouting explicit things I didn't want him hearing. Thankfully, being teh super duper friend she is, she dropped evrything to come help! Which left me and GG. She took about an hour to calm down, and lay on her bed silently. Z came back with LM, and I did his bedtime routine - bath, bed and story. He was worn out from his runaround and complied and didn't try prolonging it

Then I went to GG and apologised for earlier. She said nothing and was obviously still  upset, so I left it and gently suggested having TV time in her PJ's with a hot chocolate. So we curled up and watched a wildlife program together. Then she went to bed. I made myself a cup of tea, and felt so guilty. I also wanted to chat to some adults so I chatted for a while with some people in adoption chat - it made me feel so much better getting it out. Then I heard her get out of bed, and call for me. So I closed laptop, then went to her - and we talked for about an hour. She wanted to apologise, and she was calm, so this time we managed to talk about her feelings for Laddie properly. Lots of hugs, reassurance etc, and she sort of got what I was on about when I said we don't know how Laddie feels himself etc. Then she went to sleep and I collapsed in bed myself - the most tiring day i've had in a while emotioanlly speaking.

Today was much better and on Friday GG has therapy, so keep going until then!

Lilka xx

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