Saturday, 15 January 2011

The Happiness and The Pain

Just a brief note to all  - Burned Apple Pie does not taste very nice!

Gem did come round yesterday night. She was doing a lot of nervous fidgeting and being a bit controlling, so I suggested we actually do something a bit active to expend some of the nervous energy. We played on the Wii for a while at bowling, and I 'got creamed' by her. Okay, I'm rubbish at bowling anyway, lets be honest here, but that was one ofmy worst defeats ever. It's so bad that I am not going to play that game again for a while, to avoid the memory of it

Gem did talk about her feelings a bit, and we had a long cuddle after our (one sided) match, and scoffed chocolate and sour sweets together. Chocolate and sour sweets do not mix very well, if you were wondering.

She is anxious, elated, and overwhelmed. So anxious for what is to come, for what will happen when Jewel's parents 'find out'. So anxious for what she cannot control, in her world where more control equals more safety. So elated for what she has gained in the last few weeks... the knowledge her sister is alive, happy, that she likes this, hates that..and that her sister thinks of her often. But so sad for what she lost - the losses shown so clearly when her sister talks about her life, that Gem knew nothing of, and the more Gem knows, the more she knows what she has missed out on, through no fault of her own. The Happiness and The Pain go hand in hand. They make for an overwhelming companionship.

It is hard for her to process all this in such a short space of time. But the less she processes, the harder it is for her. The more she tries to process, the more she must confront. Thank goodness she has counselling which I hope will help her through this as much as it has helped her through other issues in her life.

Gem is so strong and so resilient. She amazes me with it, and with her empathy and caring nature. I wish with all my heart that her strength carries her through this, and that The Pain may lessen in time, as she and her sister build up memories together - happy ones

Reunion is a thoughts for everyone in reunion or about to be, or searching still. I do not understand, will never understand, what it is like, but I hope everyone who reunifies and reads this has the reunion they would like to have.

Lilka xx

1 comment:

  1. Happy to have found your blog! I am 38 and hoping to adopt an older child in two or three years (it will have to wait at least two years for when I'm done with graduate school -- I'm studying to become a school psychologist). It sounds like you have a full, busy, very interesting life with your three kiddos! Looking forward to reading more. :)